I laid there in bed, with the covers up to my chin, not moving. I was afraid to move because I knew once I did the numbness would go away. The numbness was a relief for me. But it couldn't last forever. The baby needed to be changed. Dad needed to be rescued. Apparently I was the only one with the qualifications to address an "up his back" sorta diaper. But I still just laid there. Slowly I started to direct: do this, try that. But I could already feel reality coming back. It started at my heart and swelled through my arms, up my neck--choking me mid-sentence.
I took a deep breath and swung my legs out from their warm cocoon. Life couldn't wait for my heart to make sense of it all. Tears stung my eyes and I quickly blinked them away. I scooped up the baby (although he really isn't a baby anymore) and proceeded with the diaper situation.
After a quick bath, a new diaper, and a few treats to get him to dinner the baby scampered off and I was left to my thoughts again. Dad went out to cope in his own way by "fixing that sprinkler" and I puzzled over how to break the news. I find its always easier to write than to talk so I took my aching heart and started to scribble a few things, hoping to ease the pain and clear my own confusion.
I've always known that God has a plan for me and my family. I've always known that God's plan isn't necessarily what I've planned and almost never on the same time schedule. I've always known that losing a baby just means that God's plan and time schedule called for that little life to go home early. What I didn't know was how hard it was to accept what I previously "known". I guess I could chalk it up to ignorance or lack of understanding. But then again I've discovered that because I've "known" those things before I can sort of lean on my ignorant self until the healing begins.
The purpose of this post is really two things: help my family and friends understand what has happened and help myself understand what has happened. Life sort of came to a crawl today as we found out our 9-week old baby really only made it to 5-weeks. We're in the process of accepting right now so if I'm MIA for a while, that's why. (not like I've been super-bloggy lately anyway) I've tried to think of a good way to break the news and this is the easiest way for me. So don't take offense if you had to find out "on my blog" its not you, its me.
I do know one more thing: that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I can understand and I know that he'll be there to comfort me. I'll be needing it the next few days. I know my Savior suffered all this as well and He'll be able to take the pain away. As I contemplate what it means to be a mother I realize that it doesn't always mean I get to be the one to raise my children. I am grateful that I have my healthy boy now and I'll have more healthy children later, and now I have one sweet tiny muffin that I'll get to meet some day.
Do lots of good, sweet one, because if I get up there and you've been slacking off and messing around you're totally grounded.
